“Well, I for one was hoping for someone who’s actually a conservative,” says Joseph Cartwright III, conservative talk-radio host and active blogger, as he nursed a bottle of double-malt scotch. ”Romney just doesn’t seem to hate enough sub-groups for my taste. He’s so wishy-washy on gays, abortion, and minorities. We need leadership with a deeply-rooted animosity towards these fringes if we’re ever going to get back to the good old days. At least Romney seems to hate the average American, so that’s something to work with, I guess. Also, he’s white, so that’s an upgrade.”
Other Republicans, especially Tea Party members, are more scathing.
“I’m just ordnary folk,” claims Cletus McOnetooth, after crushing a beer can on his forehead. ”I want pollytishuns like me running this here country. Like Sarah Palin. Where’d she go? I don’t know the difference between North and South Korea, either, so she’s my kind of girl. Give me guns and Bibles, not this Ivy League sissy. I ain’t voting for nobody till she’s back in the race. I will give him this, at least he’s white, even if he is a Yankee.”
“Now that Romney is almost guaranteed the nomination,” states Dr. Fullofshitz of Fox News. ”Our data show that Republicans are 97.8% fully supporting him. We at Fox News have been behind Romney all along because we’ve recognized his whiteness from day one.”
“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” counters Dr. Lottastatz of the Center for Researching Research. ”The data to which he’s referring shows that 97.8% of Republicans are begrudgingly accepting Romney despite prior affinities for Cain, Paul, Bachmann, and Santorum, and nearly 75% of those Republicans gauge their feelings for Romney as ‘Lukewarm’ at best. Where do they get this bullshit?”
“Dr. Lottastatz is clearly a socialist,” retorts Dr. Fullofshitz. ”He’s part of the liberal elite who want to muddle simple facts with sophisticated nuances to confuse the average voter. The Republican Party and Fox News fully endorse Mitt Romney’s whiteness.”
However, the mood at Romney’s headquarters can be described as joyously optimistic.
“The campaign clearly has some strong momentum now these pesky ‘other’ nominees have been out-spent to the point of oblivion,” states an anonymous insider of the Romney campaign. ”We’re now going to rally the conservative base and appeal to independents by spending millions of dollars on advertising that gets to the core of our message. Here let me show you.”
With that he held up the prototype for the campaign’s general election poster:
MITT ROMNEY: AT LEAST I’M WHITE
Editor’s Note: This entry in no way implies that the Tea Party and/or the Republican Party dislike President Obama based solely on the issue of race. Any inference of that on your part indicates that you, in-fact, are a reverse-racist with clear ties to the former Soviet Union and were born from a test-tube.
Contrary to popular belief, Harold Camping was correct. The rapture did occur yesterday. Unfortunately, however, none of us made the cut. Since the liberal media won’t report on such things and Fox News is too busy trying to roll back human rights for the working class to pay attention to anything else, The Ramblings of D. A. Adams was granted an exclusive interview with the supreme being, the great spirit, aka God. Shockingly, he does look a lot like George Burns.
“It’s simple really,” God began, flicking ashes from his cigar. ”You people are stupid. I mean really, really stupid. I’m not sure how much clearer I could be each time I’ve sent a messenger to tell you how you should live, but you just don’t get it. All of nature seeks equilibrium, but you humans seek extremes. Get it?”
Confused, I asked if anyone was close to ascending to heaven.
“Well, there was one old lady in Sydney who was a nail biter, but at the last minute she used my name in vain so I had to cross her off. Sad really.”
Perplexed, I asked about my own status.
“You?” he asked, leaning back and laughing. ”Hey Peter, did you hear that?”
You haven’t really heard a hearty laugh until you’ve heard god laugh about the status of your soul.
“Um, look, I don’t to hurt your feelings, but keep working at it. Maybe you’ll make the next one.”
Shocked, I asked how there could be another rapture.
“Oh, there’s one every decade. So far, the only one to make it was Glenn Miller. I hated to disappoint the troops that way, but you know, rules are rules. Look, can we wrap this up? I’ve got a brunch to attend with Mother Teresa, and she gets grouchy when I’m late.”
With so many more questions to ask the creator, I was frustrated by the sudden time constraint, so I asked the first question that came to mind: Was the Immaculate Reception a legal play by Franco Harris?
“Look, regardless of what the whining Raiders have to say, Tatum clearly touched that ball. Those crybabies just have to get over it.”
With that, god vanished from the room, and I, a lifelong Steelers fan, felt vindicated.
Editor’s note: Any reference to the creator, real or imagined, is not sanctioned by the church and is, thus, heresy by the author. May god have mercy on his soul.
Now that the shock of Justin Bieber’s haircut has worn off, America once again turns its attention to its most pressing issue. No, silly, not surging oil prices from unrest in the Middle East or erratic weather patterns or corporate greed. America needs to know what is happening with Charlie Sheen.
He’s not just another aging man trying to hold onto his youth by snorting coke off the bellies of porn stars. This is Charlie Sheen, America’s greatest comedic actor. While England can boast Lawrence Olivier and Anthony Hopkins, America can take pride in the sweeping range of Charlie Sheen’s acting skills. From his portrayal of the bad boy convict in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to the bad boy pitcher in Major League to the bad boy pilot in Hot Shots to the bad boy skirt chaser in Two and a Half Men, Sheen has demonstrated that he can take on any roll.
Now, the mean executives at CBS have pulled the plug on his sitcom, and America sits in stunned silence, trying to pull itself together and recover from the loss of this comedic masterpiece. To get my finger on the pulse of how the average American is handling this crisis, I rushed to Ellis Chapel, Arkansas to speak with my old friend, Cletus McOnetooth.
“It’s painful,” Cletus said. ”After wrestlin and Glenn Beck, it was my favorite show. You never knew from one week to the next if he was gonna make a joke about being drunk or being high. Sometimes, to really shake things up, he’d make a joke about being drunk and high. You can’t get no funnier than that.”
Cletus choked on the last words, tears streaming down his cheeks, so I stopped the interview to prevent permanent emotional scarring at recalling the loss of his third favorite TV program. But I knew America needed to know more about this terrible tragedy, so I rushed to South Carolina to sit down with conservative talk show host and blogger Joseph Cartwright III to see how the religious folk were holding up under the strain of these trying times.
“My callers are just stunned,” Cartwright said. ”Who could’ve predicted that Charlie Sheen’s bad boy antics could ever lead to turmoil? No one expected this. I’ve even had liberals calling in my show to mourn for the cancelling of Two and a Half Men. That’s how important Charlie Sheen is to America. His comedic genius transcends politics and ideology. My audience and I are praying to the good Lord every day that somehow Charlie Sheen will return to TV soon.”
Touched by the outpouring of affection for America’s greatest comedic actor, I went to a local bar to toss back a few shots to show CBS my support for Sheen’s genius, and in the bar I was surrounded by dozens of other middle-aged men who had thrown away their families in pursuit of hookers and booze, and I marveled at the solidarity America can muster during times of real crisis.
This entry is dedicated to the spoiled and pampered celebrities around the globe who are tired of being confused with drug addicts and sleaze bags. May their talent and genius forever shine as a beacon of America’s greatness.
Let me be as clear about this as possible: this is my blog, and from day one, I’ve written about whatever was on my mind at that moment. I’m not a journalist and have never one time claimed to be a news outlet. I openly and happily admit that I’m an entertainer. This blog serves as my outlet for new ideas, heartfelt opinions, old memories, frustrations, outrages, and anything else that crosses my mind. If you don’t like my opinions, feel free to comment on that blog, openly and publicly. As long as you aren’t more profane than I am, I’ll approve it.
I don’t belong to any political party because I believe that all parties by their very nature are corrupt. The party, regardless of political affiliation, is about the garnering of power, and as such, the leadership of that party must distort facts, twist ideas, and misrepresent situations for their own benefit. To me, the leadership of the Republican party only represents the upper 2% of our population but to appeal to a broad base uses fear and hate to move people to vote against their own best interests. After 38 years of witnessing their actions, I’m pretty entrenched in this belief, and no amount of Fox News bullshit will change my mind. I also believe that the leadership of the Democratic party is a group of elitist intellectuals who want to control and manipulate people’s lives because those leaders believe they know how to live better than everyone else. In order to appeal to a broad base, they use fear and hate to move people to give up self-sufficiency.
I’ve said before, the reason why I’m more vocal in my absolute disdain for conservatives than for liberals is because I live in a very conservative region and am bombarded daily by the hate and venom they spew. I see it on bumper stickers, hear it in stores, and feel it everywhere I go. If I lived in a liberal region and were bombarded from the other end, I would vent and ridicule their perversions just as vehemently.
The bottom line is that this is my outlet. If you don’t like my views, that’s fine. Start your own blog or write comments in public for others to read and respond to. That’s free speech, one of our most sacred rights as Americans.
Maybe it’s the English major/instructor in me that still clings to archaic beliefs about language and syntax and organization and coherence, but I swear, a lot of the writing I see on “professional” journalism websites is barely legible. I’m not talking about Bob’s Big World of Nascar dot com, either. I’m talking about commercial sites owned by major news outlets. Sports sites seem to be the worst, but they are not the only. It’s truly disturbing to me.
I recognize that in this country journalism needs to be written on a fourth or fifth grade level to appeal to a mass audience, but I’m not sure much of what’s out there even reaches a fourth grade level Here’s an example:
Given how James announced his, ahem, decision, I suppose he had it coming. But let’s be honest: if any Miami professional athlete deserves some heckling, it’s Chad Henne. Or, if you’re a Browns fan, you should be buying that guy dinner after he gifted the Browns a victory last Sunday.
In unrelated news, Erik Spoelstra is now a Browns fan*.
* Fabrication … but wholly believable
This is professional journalism? It reads more like a drunken text message sent from one frat boy to another. Does he really get paid money for this crap? I feel like my efforts to teach English have been wasted since the major sources for news and journalism produce such poorly written articles. How can my lowly efforts to keep the language alive and somewhat thoughtful compete with such incompetence?
That’s only one example. I’ve encountered dozens more just like it, and it makes me wonder if it’s just a sign of the times, this ADD culture we’ve created. Or is it a symptom of something larger and more sinister, like the decline of the republic? While our education and health systems swirl around the drain, while our politicians engage in endless rounds of deliberation over who should get tax breaks, and while our energy consumption threatens the very existence of our planet, a major news outlet is paying good money for a guy to sit in a sports bar and type that crap on his Droid. Little thought, little deliberation, vague references to another sports “writer” and a different sporting event, this is what constitutes “journalism” at the end of 2010. This is exactly why so many of us in education feel as if we have wasted our lives.
Honestly, I can’t wait to get the farm rolling so that I can walk away from the system and never look back. I’ll write my silly books and maintain my silly blog, and that will be all I do to sustain the language.