This week has been brutal so far. For the last week, I’ve been grading and giving back papers, and as anyone who has ever taught an English course can attest, the process is tedious. The act of grading, when it’s done seriously and sincerely, is exhausting. It takes roughly 15 minutes to grade one paper, and after three or four in a row, I need to take a break to clear my head. After 12 to 15 papers, I’m fairly well spent. Over the last week, I’ve gone through roughly 110 essays and still have about 15 go. My brain is complete mush.
In addition to that, I’m missing my sons terribly. Both of the trips I’ve wanted to take over the last couple of weekends have been canceled because they have been under the weather. That’s nobody’s fault, but I’m frustrated and angry because I feel like I have no substantial role in their lives. I’m just this guy they talk to on the phone and see in person from time to time, and that hurts more deeply than I can describe. I feel like they will never understand that this was not my choice, that I was cornered and bullied into an arrangement that has progressively excluded me more and more. Because I actually pay my child support and keep insurance on them, I am punished by not having the funds to see them more often, but they don’t see that part. All they can see is that I’m not there.
So basically, I’m mentally and emotionally drained, and it’s only Tuesday. I don’t mean to whine or be negative or seem ungrateful for the good things. I just need to vent a little.