The FDA released a new report this week, warning of the catastrophic dangers of finals week. While anyone who has successfully navigated one understands the sleep deprivation, caffeine over-stimulation, and short term memory taxing, the study sheds new light on the less known side effects of finals week.
It turns out, grandmothers are more likely to pass away just before or during this time than any other period of the year. In fact, the average student will lose 8.7 grandmothers over the course of their academic career during finals weeks alone. While death is common, grandmothers are also more likely to suffer hip-shattering falls, strokes, and heart attacks, leaving them in critical condition in ICU for the entirety of this seven day span.
Grandmothers are not the only ones at risk, however. According to the study, cars are 2,874% more likely to break down on a trip to class during this week. Most prone seem to be tires, followed by batteries, alternators, and fuel pumps. Fortunately, cars rarely suffer catastrophic failures during finals week and are usually repairable by Friday afternoons.
“These data are troubling,” says Dr. Lottastatz, who pioneered the study. “Instructors all across the nation indicate that the stress of finals takes its toll on innocent victims. Something has to be done to stem the tide of this horrific pandemic.”
Skeptical of the devil-worshiping scientist, Fox News conducted its own study on this phenomenon and came to a startling conclusion.
“We determined that the socialist regime of Barrack Obama has been forcing euthanasia on these grandmothers for decades,” says Dr. Fullofshitz, graduate of the Oral Roberts School of Spiritual Science. “And because the government now controls the entire auto industry, the CIA is sabotaging cars to force people to buy new ones.”
When told of this theory, Dr. Lottastatz was outraged.
“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” Dr. Lottastatz insisted. “Our data go back for decades before Mr. Obama was even born. Where do they get this bullshit?”
However, both scientific rational thought and superstitious paranoia are at a loss for how to stem the tide of this hidden terror that shrouds finals week. It seems that as long as unprepared students are faced with the challenges of final exams, grandmothers and cars will be in harm’s way.