Recently, I got the opportunity to testify before a congressional sub-sub-committee meeting on education reform. Since elections are just around the corner, the representatives wanted to accomplish something positive before adjourning for their fall respite. The following is a transcript of our meeting:
Delaware (D): As chair of this sub-sub-committee, I call this meeting to order. Massachusetts, you have the floor.
Massachusetts (D): Mr. Adams, what do you see as the biggest need in our education system?
DA: Well, students need…
Texas (R): I object to that question on grounds that it promotes a socialist agenda.
Massachusetts (D): According to recent f***ing polls, Americans rank education as important. The question is f***ing valid.
DA: Students need…
Utah (R): The only problem with education is that students no longer say “One nation, under God.” If we just added that back in, all of our problems would vanish.
Florida (D): Separation of Church and State!
California (D): We should convene a sub-sub-sub-committee to examine the effects of separating church and state on students’ emotional needs.
Texas (R): That’s socialism if I ever heard it!
DA: Students need…
Minnesota (D): I’m certain that you’ve thoroughly researched your prepared testimony before arriving at this meeting. Could you just forward a synopsis to my office so that my assistants can review your findings and brief me?
Kansas (R): We need to remove any reference to science from our textbooks so that we can get back to being the world standard for education.
Massachusetts (D): Are you f***ing stupid? That doesn’t even make any f***ing sense.
Texas (R): If you weren’t such a lily-livered, godless commie socialist, it might.
California (D): We need to establish a sub-sub-sub-committee to explore the emotional toll of removing science from textbooks.
DA: If I could just say…
Vermont (D): I think we should table this agenda point until our next session after the elections. My polls indicate that the public opposes the president on this issue, and I don’t want to seem in allegiance with him.
Texas (R): Yeah, let’s table this here dogie until the herd is driven to market.
Massachusetts (D): You a f***ing Harvard grad. You wouldn’t know a f***ing dogie from a Volkswagon.
Texas (R): That’s a Nazi car. I knew the president was just like Hitler.
Delaware (D): Unfortunately, our time is up. Mr. Adams, your input has been insightful. Thank you for your time.
I left the meeting proud to be an American.