Now that Juan Williams has been fired, I had the opportunity to apply for the host position on “Talk of the Nation.” Having long been a fan of the program, I was excited about the chance to take over the helm and use my talents for this prestigious show. The following is a transcript of my interview:
D. A. Adams: Thank you for the opportunity to interview for this position. I believe I’m the right person for the job.
Averly Sensitive: By person, are you implying only humans are qualified for this position?
DA: Um, yes?
Ima DeBaller: So you discriminate against other species?
DA: Well, I thought the ability to speak English would be a prerequisite for a national radio host.
Averly: Hmmph, so you don’t like other nationalities, either?
DA: Um, what?
Ima: You closed-minded white male bigots are all the same.
DA: I’m a little confused. Can we start over?
Averly: We at NPR pride ourselves on our open-mindedness and commitment to free speech. You clearly are not objective enough to work here.
DA: Look, I believe all people deserve respect and dignity, regardless of race, religion, social class, gender, whatever.
Ima: So you are against the elderly.
Ima: You didn’t include the elderly in your little rant. Obviously, you must be an ageist.
DA: (Due to the sensitive nature of this blog, Mr. Adams’s Irish-tempered outburst has been omitted to protect innocent eyes.)
Averly: (Sobbing) I’ve never been called those words before.
Ima: Look what you’ve done! You brute.
DA: (Content removed.)
Obviously, I didn’t get the job, and NPR will have to continue their search for someone who is open-minded, sensitive, and domesticated enough not to offend any culture or sub-culture by saying something that can be misconstrued out of context as offensive. In this manner, free speech and liberty shall be preserved ad infinitum.