In a shocking new demonstration of bipartisan cooperation, Congress has unveiled its newest program for the country. While the program is the brainchild of Tea Party candidates Billy Joe Oilmoney and Rob R. Barron VI, Democrats have also rallied behind the proposed legislation to reform retirement.
“We see this plan as the opportunity to save America,” said Theodore Bluedog III, a Democrat from New York. “We’ve come to see that since the parties can’t agree on healthcare reform or taxation, this program gives us the opportunity to fix most of our glaring issues in one fell swoop.”
In all my years as a political journalist, I’ve never seen witnessed such bi-partisan support for anything, so I sat down with Representatives Oilmoney and Barron to discuss the program.
“Well, like all good programs, it’s rooted in common sense,” Billy Joe Oilmoney stated. “The program won’t cost taxpayers nothing, and it reduces big government spending. What more could people ask for?”
“We also believe that this piece of legislation allows Americans to get back from the system what they’ve earned. It’s fair for everyone,” Rob R. Barron VI added. “We’ve entered a new era for America, an era free from handouts.”
Impressed by their fervor, I rushed to the private sector to get I finger on the pulse of how corporate America was receiving the news. I hurried to Minneapolis to speak with Iwanna Getindempokets to get the healthcare perspective.
“Glory to God!” he shouted upon hearing the news. “My daughter’s dream may come true yet!”
Next, I scrambled to California to speak with Dr. Jen TouchyFeely to find out how academia was receiving the new program.
“We’ve convened a sub-committee to review the emotional impact this legislation will have on field mice in Rhode Island,” she said. “As long as the rodents aren’t negatively impacted by it, we see no reason to oppose this plan. In fact, most of us in education are already following this practice.”
Then, I called William Joseph Cartwright III, conservative blogger from South Carolina and Tea Party activist, to see if the Tea Party was pleased with the results of their fear-mongering to win the election.
“You know, my great-great grandfather, who started his business with only one rinky-dink slave trading block but retired having sold more slaves than any other human trafficker in history, would once again be proud of this country. This was his vision of how the country should run. Damn, it’s good to be an American.”
Apologizing for his emotions getting the better of him, he excused himself and hung up, so I then called Cletus McOnetooth to see how the rank-and-file Tea Partiers were receiving the new legislation.
“Well, I just finished watching wrastlin, so I ain’t turned on Fox News yet,” Cletus said. “I reckon Glenn’ll tell me how I feel about it.”
Not wanting to miss the unveiling of this historic legislation, I scampered back to Washington and arrived just in time to see Oilmoney, Barron, and Bluedog on the steps of Congress. I swelled with pride at the thought of our nation pulling together for a common cause, Democrats and Republicans showing a united front.
“Back when my great-great-great-grandfather, Rob R. Barron Sr. was working Chinamen to death to build the railroad,” Barron VI proclaimed, his voice tinged with emotion. “He dreamed of this day. My fellow Americans, here is your new retirement plan.”
All three men pulled a string to draw back the drapes covering up the logo for America’s new step forward:
Work Until to Drop Dead, You Ungrateful Peasants
Thunderous applause erupted from the crowd of Senators, Representatives, and Tea Party volunteers.
“The productive members of this society are no longer encumbered with the burden of caring for the lazy workers. My great-great-great-grandfather worked harder than theirs to steal land from savages and break the backs of laborers. He was a shining example of how this country should run and how it WILL run in the future.”
“And let me just add,” interjected Theodore Bluedog III. “My great-great-grandfather did a better job of exploiting child labor in his sweatshop, so I’m entitled to this office. No longer will our beaches and ski slopes be encumbered with the throngs of retirees who think a lifetime of making us money entitles them to relax at the end. Once again, retirement is the realm of the elite.”
The crowd roared in applause, and there wasn’t a dry eye on the steps of Congress.
“Next up,” Billy Joe Oilmoney said. “We’re gonna reform education. We’re tired of all this book-learning polluting the minds of the lazy workers. We’re gonna build an education system free from the shackles of reading and writing. God bless this great nation.”
And in that manner, our “new” leadership shall restore America to a bright and prosperous future in the global economy.