Breaking News: Americans Demand Dumber Political Candidates
In a stunning development, American citizens are protesting in the streets, demanding that political parties offer less intelligent, less educated candidates in the 2012 elections.
“It’s simple,” said Joe Workman, organizer and activist for the movement known as STUPID (STart Using Politicians that Is Dumb). “Our school system is ranked 14th among developed nations and keeps declining, but our leadership still ranks 9th in terms of intelligence and education. Clearly, our elected officials don’t match the electorate. We must have dumber, less informed politicians.”
Amazingly, in a showing of bipartisan cooperation, the demands are coming from both Democrat and Republican voters, and protests are being held not only in all major urban districts but also in small towns and rural communities.
“We is tired of them fancy Ivy League pollyticians,” said Cletus McOnetooth, president of the Arkansas Chapter of STUPID. “Give me simple folk in charge of nuclear war and global economics.”
Predictably, there is also resistance to the movement, especially from highly educated citizens such as Dr. Lottastatz of the Center for Researching Research.
“If our politicians get any less intelligent and less educated, there’s a 99.9% chance that we’ll have a 100% decline in economic productivity,” claims Dr. Lottastatz. “The research is very clear.”
“That’s simply not true,” counters Dr. Fullofshitz of Fox News. “Those evil socialist commies want intelligent leaders who can trick the American people into believing that reforming corruption is in their best interests. His scientific research is biased and tainted by his liberal agenda.”
Intrigued by the healthy debate, I rushed to South Carolina to sit down with my old friend Joseph Cartwright III, conservative talk radio host and blogger, and leader of the Tea Party in the Palmetto Bug State.
“The Democrats have been electing stupid people for years. Look at Hank Johnson and his capsizing island inquiry. He matches the average American for lack of intelligence. Not to mention Gray Davis. He was really the trendsetter in this dumbing down movement.
“But the Democrats have nothing on us. We in the Tea Party have been doing our part to help this trend for a couple of years, now. I mean, look at Sarah Palin. You have to admit, you can’t get much dumber and less informed than her.
“And Sue Lowden. She’s so uneducated she suggested trading chickens for healthcare. If that’s not dumb enough for the American public, what is?
“And of course, our coup-de-gras, Christine O’Donnell. You find me a politician with less intelligence than that woman, and I’ll show you someone in a vegetative state.”