No one could’ve predicted this would end badly, a convicted felon with a penchant for guns and predatory wildlife. I mean, how could anyone foresee a bad end to such a stable environment? For answers to this tragic enigma wrapped in a blanket of conundrums, I rushed to Washington to speak with my old friend, Billy Joe Oilmoney, himself an avid gun collector and hunter.
“Well, it sure is a mystery,” he said, scratching his head. “No one could’ve predicted such a tragedy. This here is a perfect example of why we don’t need regulations of any kind. If a law-abiding gun owner can’t set loose his collection of lions and bears on unsuspecting neighbors without being criticized for it, that ain’t the kind of America I want to live in.”
I politely reminded Senator Oilmoney that the owner was a convicted felon.
“That’s exactly what I mean. If we didn’t have regulations, he would’ve been a law-abiding citizen. Are you slow or something?”
Thankful to have that cleared up, I headed down to South Carolina to speak with Joseph Cartwright III, talk radio host, blogger, and Tea Party Activist.
“Truly, no one could’ve foreseen such a terrifying end to this man’s life. It’s clear President Obama ordered the CIA to frame this man in an attempt to further a socialist agenda of stripping all Americans of their guns. I’m sure the PETA tree-huggers will be all over this, too. Now, we’re gonna have to deal with a new rash of regulations ordering us not to keep exotic predators in our basements. Well, if I can’t raise Grizzly bears on my farm, I’m not sure I want to live in his nation anymore.”
Next, I headed out to California to interview Dr. Jen Touchyfeely, Professor of Emotional Studies and faculty sponsor of her university’s PETA chapter. I like to keep things fair and balanced, you know.
“No one could’ve predicted such a horrendous end to this. It’s just awful how those evil police officers gunned down those innocent animals,” she said, sobbing uncontrollably. “They could’ve let them live free out there in the wild.”
When I asked about the dangers of letting wild predators roam freely near residential areas, she became incensed.
“We all know the Midwest is just fly-over country. People don’t actually live there!”
Finally, to get the pulse of how this shocking mystery was affecting the common man, I hurried to Arkansas to chat with my old pal Cletus McOnetooth.
“I reckon it’s is the first I heard of this. Real live lions and such? Really? This ain’t another one them ‘Diny-sores Live’ that turns out to be nothing more than mechanical puppets, is it?”
I assured him the lions were all too real.
“Hot damn!” he shouted, grabbing for his coat and calling to his wife. “Sugar, gas up the truck and grab my shotgun. We’re eating lion tonight!”